Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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