Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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