I accidentally burped into my bong.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize