I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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