I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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