I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize