I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
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He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
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I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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