My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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