you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
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right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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