At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
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