Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize