6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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