the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
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I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
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So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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