We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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