stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
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There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
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And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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