When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
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Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
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I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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