Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize