i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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