you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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