I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
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She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
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Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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