The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
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It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
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One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
We were destined to go to rehab together
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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