right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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