This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
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The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
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I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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