the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
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Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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