He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
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Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
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i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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