When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
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I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
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YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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