she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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