Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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