Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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