Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize