i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize