I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
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