I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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