Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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