good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
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Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
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i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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