I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
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She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
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he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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