3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
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Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
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