Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
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I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
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In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Why did my mother make you get naked?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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