I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
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BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
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"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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