i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize