Betty ford says i'm here all night
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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