i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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