her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize