so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
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I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
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Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize