just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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