Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
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There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
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I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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