So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize