I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
