He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
