I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
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I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
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I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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