proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
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I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
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Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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